We sometimes talk about the things we used to do, how we used to be, as different lives. Like parts of ourselves that are still there but we just don’t know about each other. So we don’t get to know each other fully. Ever.
I guess it takes a whole shared life to kind of sorta get to know a person. Or to get the feeling of being understood by other.
I feel so far away from “the Diana I used to be”, it makes me feel lonely. I guess who ever I am now doesn’t feels right, I’m wearing a suit that doesn’t fit. Everybody around putting their opinion, all I want now is silence. I want to figure things on my own. I want silence so I can hear myself. I want to decide what to do with my life without everybody around me telling me what they want me to do, what they think is right, what they need, “what is best for me”.
Of course my path is different than yours. It’s mine. It’s meant to make sense to me. Not you
I’ve been torn between staying on this ride or not, it’s draining. All this pieces flowing around I haven’t been able to arrange them in the right way. I admire Chris commitment. His life is Pedaling for Peace. Nothing is more important and everything, e v e r y t h i n g is understood in P4P terms. I am not that black and white and my motivations, needs and desires are different.
And as lost as I am, there are a few things about myself that I do know..
1 I need to be learning. I’m not talking about life learning, for me that’s implied and it’s independent of what actually happens in life, that learning comes inside and you can learn about life in your kitchen while making your tea as much as standing in front of the Grand Canyon, if you pay attention. But the learning I’m talking about is of actually studying something, taking classes, having some sort of teacher. I need to be a student. And while some people are great at learning by themselves, I’m not. I gave most of my books away when I joined this ride but otherwise I would have a whole set of boxes filled with “Teach yourself” books to prove, YET, I don’t speak latin, or sanscrit, I don’t play guitar, I’m no carpenter… ppfff… and I’m lazy, unless I HAVE to do my homework, I’ll be forever procastinating. I’m unorganized and unless I have a deadline and a set time for ‘class’ I’ll start filling up my time with random endless other things. So no “teach yourself” for me…. let me rephrase, some “teach yourself” for me, but some “someone else teaches me” too!
2 I need at least three hours of exercise a day. Hardcore, sweat the life out of you exercise. For my mental health. For my spiritual growth. The lights dim down (is that the way to say it?) when I don’t have that level of physical activity. Maybe it’s the natural brain drugs overdose, the rush of endorphins that I crave for. I think there’s more to it. It purifies me, strengthens me, keeps me sharp and focus. Somehow running for example, helps me feel independent, free, wild, powerful… yoga makes me feel loving, kind, sensual, endless… once you’ve felt that, how can you live without it?
3 I need music. Background music for my exercise, writing, yoga, cooking. But most importantly I need to sit, alone with music and LISTEN. Let me get lost in the notes, let it take my breath away. Feel myself dancing inside and open my eyes to bright colors around me.
4 I love alcohol. That is good or bad or this or that. All of it it’s true. Alcohol is damaging for the body and it takes a lot of life energy to process. BUT, have you ever had a wine of your age? Have you ever been involved enough with this living entity to allow yourself to be transported and have IT tell you it’s story? Have you ever harvested fresh lavender and rosemary and prepared and elixir with it, slowly, patiently, watching the herbs opening up, giving away their soul and drank it? Have you ever recognized a time, place and heart in what you’re drinking? … if you haven’t then drop it, yes. There’s no point in damaging your body like that, but if you had, then you know what I’m talking about, you understand the alchemy behind it and you can appreciate it… and as a past life alchemist I tell you, it’s medicine.
5 I love baking and cooking… and eating. So I need good alive food to be happy and healthy. For me this goes beyond health, it’s a sacred experience. Not that I always do it with awareness, that would be amazing! No, sometimes I just eat because I’m hungry or craving… but there are those moments of total union, when I am aware, I’m becoming one with my food in the most beautiful, mysical, profound way. I get delighted by the colors and aromas, the orgasmic sensation in my tongue and body… wow!!
6 I love sex. For the same reasons as I love food, for the same reason I love life. I don’t understand sex, I am still trapped in the mind nonsense that has nothing to do with love and like with everything else, sometimes I’m lazy or what ever, sometimes I just want to fuck, but I am searching for more. Sex can create life and death, sex is life and death. Sex can open doors in such powerful way. Through sex you get to experience your true self, connected to everything, you ARE everything. I think it’s ironic that, actually, I haven’t had much sex… so far anyways=] but have been so so lucky with the partners I’ve had, because they have all loved me and that’s the first step. There has to be love. Most people get stuck in the first step.
7 I need to pour myself in what ever I do. Of course my daily life, like yours, it’s filled with random unimportant things and so so many of those I do unconsciously, Ha! many important things I do unconsciously too! But I try to be aware and to find delight in all, little by little. One of my closest friends told me once he loved my soaps and products because my heart was there to the last little detail. And that’s me, wrapping each soap one by one with love, thinking about the magic of herbs and imagining who ever uses it, finding pleasure and magic in the shower, cutting by hand the labels for hours, slowly. Not a good business maybe, but my heart is there and sometimes it beats slowly and I won’t rush it. I rather do something else than interfering with the rhythm of my heart.
So there I am in a nutshell… a very basic nutshell, we could carry on forever. Even at this basic level I’m struggling in making it fit with the ride. In theory it fits, the elements are there…