Over heartache and rage
Come set us free
Over panic and strange
I wanna see our bodies burning like the old big sun
I wanna know what we’ve been learning and learning from
– Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
My brother, Jeff, Chris and I are taking a few days off to adventure across Baja on Monday. We are the silliest people I know. With all that has happened I need to come back home after for a while. Meditate, focus on my practice, teach some yoga, make chocolates and soaps, save some money, and when the time is right keep on pedaling. There is a time for everything and right now it is time for me to stay still. Somehow in all this I’ve been often finding myself stumbling around out of balance. What do you share when you feel empty in one moment and filled with chaos the next?
What do I have to share anyways? How can I contribute in the best way possible to everything around me?
I believe the greatest contribution I can make is the state of my personal space.
I understand Existence in terms of energy, vibrations. You choose if you look at it from a scientific perspective as I used to do while studying physics in college, or as karma and spirituality as I did while studying life in India. It doesn’t matters, all are just different languages saying the same thing.
I am alive. I have a body. I occupy space – or do I? Anyways, let’s say I am here. Like it or not. I don’t know what is the purpose and that has brought me heartache most of my life, but while I figure out my purpose one thing is certain: I AM HERE. So better make sure I take care of the space I am already occupying just by being alive. Wherever I may go or what ever I may do is secondary. First I need to take care of the impact I have by existing in this moment. It’s a matter of responsibility. Composed by energy I am vibrating and it’s up to me if my vibrations are peaceful and loving, or confused and erratic… like they have been lately.
It’s hard for the ego writing openly. I have a deep admiration for artists in this regard, tearing themselves open and expressing what they find inside. Well… I’ve been doing a lot of digging and I’ve been finding a lot of shit. And it’s not easy to share that. I remember Kumar saying spiritual work is like being a janitor, it’s about cleaning shit… never ending shit, shit on the floor, shit on the walls, shit on the ceiling. The janitor cleans for days and days and still more crap keeps coming out. Well… after a breakup a lot of shit comes out. And it’s no surprise, you could smell it all the time. The world is filled with couples and starving for love. It doesn’t makes sense.
Oh Kali Ma! You come and chop heads all around… Thank you, forever thank you… but ouch!
And my head is hard. I am stubborn, vain and proud… and that has me feeling humiliated and hurt.
I feel naked. In the bad way of naked, stripped of what I thought were my strengths and facing my weaknesses.
That is for me, one of the wonders of intimate relationships, they tend to get intimate=] It will all come out to the surface sooner or later, otherwise the relationship dies. So no matter how nice you are, how gentle your man is, how sensible and caring everything might seem; there will be moments where you will face your most unwanted nakedness and in the heat of emotions it’s not easy to be gentle and kind. When you will look at yourself in the mirror and not like what you see. I guess that’s what intimacy, finding yourself in your most vulnerable state in front of the person you love the most. I have no idea of why in those intense moments, some relationships make it and others don’t. But that is really not important, the most important relationship after all is the one with yourself and if the other person hangs around or doesn’t, how you handle your own vulnerability, how YOU accept and love yourself in those moments is what matters the most. You have discovered a huge, smelly, thick pile of shit… take out the shovel and start working! no body else is gonna clean it.
Well, now I have a lot of work to do.
I don’t look like a super model, but honestly that never bothered me before. I have loving parents that always made me aware of the different shapes of beauty and always filled me up with compliments and sweet words, made me aware of my own beauty. Some women have legs, some have tits, long curvy eyelashes. Others have contagious laughs, sparks in the eyes, sense of humor. In the end everything merges and given enough time it doesn’t matters if it’s the tits or the brains what set the spark in a relationship, hopefully you reach the soul and then you can see we are all beautiful in the same way… but in the meantime a lot can happen. Call it confidence or vanity, I trusted my beauty and what I don’t have in the body I make up with my mind and spirit…. that was until I faced a relationship without passion, THEN it mattered. Then I started to focused on my legs and my tits and my straight eyelashes, questioning everything until it didn’t matter what I saw, it was all about what he saw and it was never enough to spark. A big pile of shit… Vanity’s head chopped, but careful, heads tend to grow back, we’re weird like that.
Add to that a handful of sparking model looking ex girlfriends still hanging around and… I didn’t stand a chance with my own self. I found myself naked and vulnerable. Jumping from one foot to the other, feeling proudly angry with them being in the middle, I mean, I have the right don’t I? Play the card of ‘respect’ and what is ‘right’ and what’s not: writing to your ex the way we women know how is not showing respect, it’s not the right thing to do. I have the right to be angry, right? Then I jump to the other foot feeling hurt and sad about myself for not being enough, humiliated for having others knowing that I am not enough, for having these women know… it is natural under the circumstances to feel hurt and sad, right? Humiliated… … Well, no. Me being angry, sad or humiliated is because of my pride. Has nothing to do with them, has nothing to do with him either, it has to do with me. The problem here is, even if I know that, I’m not that evolved and my emotions take over. I’m not that zen. Not yet anyways and I’m pissed. Another big pile of shit to clean. Another head chopped.
Everybody has an opinion, but in the end there were only two of us biking out there. And it wasn’t for a week, or a month… it was our life. We would be the one familiar face on an ever changing background. Our home. What do you do when you don’t feel safe in your home and you’re naked and vulnerable? I guess that is the biggest pile of shit here. And I need to be in a safe place to clean this one, to pick myself up and rebuild my own home, inside of my own self. Going back to energy, when you are stablished, strong and peaceful within yourself, you become solid, you vibrate so strongly that outside vibrations don’t disturb your balance. Even more, you can see clearly and understand your connections, your interactions and unity.
So now, I guess what I have to share is this. My broken pride, my vulnerability.
I don’t know what life will bring, so I don’t know when or if I will get back on my bike. I hope soon. I want to. But I need to rebuild my home and do some cleaning… save some money too, this whole adventure has left me broke, once again. In the meantime wherever we are there is always a lot to do. A lot of recipes to create=] a lot of information to share…
You never know what life will bring, you never know who will be the next important person in your life nor how him or her will impact your life. So better get ready for the unexpected, keep cleaning your shit even if it’s never ending. And when it happens, when you are deep in love, if I can give you an advice would be not to hold back. Open yourself and give it all, embrace every moment. You never know when things will change.