Making choices has been for me the cornerstone of whatever the Mayans are trying to peddle. Of course, this is only one layer of a vast sea of things that I am sure I am working on and could be working on if only I were aware. Which is why I am so expectant for manana, who knows, maybe Ill wake up and be wise, what a joy that would be!
But you aren’t reading to hear of my potential joy..
Choices. I have had to “Dig Deep”, and I put it in quotes as it is all relative. Me deciding to stay here in Ensenada with Dianas’ wonderful family is an example of me having to make a choice between staying and going. This same example of staying and going is being carried out, perhaps at the very moment you are reading this in some country where a young boy has to decided between the growing pain in his throat and fever of his baby sister and the guns of the rebel forces near the watering hole where he may be able to slip in unseen and get a bucket of dirty water.
To be sure, the irony of where I am in life does not escape me. That things are relative and that I am most fortunate for what that relativity has brought to me is not lost on me nor will it ever be. For once you realize things like this you can only drink them away for a few hours. That is even now lost to me as, if you have been following along, I get a very very nasty case of zombie lips. They crack and bleed, swell like Botox gone wrong and essentially keep me from drinking. I will write more about this in another post as it is most interesting, but will only serve as a distraction here. I see how most websites only want a maximum of 700 words, so I know where you are at dear reader and I shall not let you down by filling this precious space with tedium, like I am doing right now…sigh.
A few things have happened that you may or may not know of…
The Romantic side of my relationship with Diana has retreated, not the love, that has only grown, I speak to the passion of devouring the other in the bedroom. Why it has happened, I have no idea. Truly, I wish i did so I could work it out as Diana, in my humble estimation is perhaps one of the best “Catches” so to speak a person would be able to find them selves with. I needn’t tarry on this account as it is only one part of my overall aim.
So, what started as a couple week sojourn, has expanded into a multi month epic which is now encompassing the holidays and was, until two days ago, causing much friction.
I was literally on the fence, so much so that I could not make any decision about what I wanted as I was so torn.
I have finally made the choice to stay through Christmas and have let New Years be up in the air.
Now, comes the primary aim of all my finger wagging.
To be in limbo is one of the greatest hells a man can visit upon himself. To put oneself into a purgatory, imagine with me, purgatory is the space between, you are not damned nor are you flitting with the angels, you are in betwixt heaven and hell which I propose is a hell of its own.
Nothing could be more troublesome than not knowing, all of us experience it at points in our lives, but how deeply do you get to truly experience not knowing due to ones own choice?
If, like me, you have given yourself a healthy swath of time and space in which to figure things out, it can be most enlightening, much as the reentry of the Apollo Space Module must have been for those first few astronauts.
Many things happen, the mind unravels and begins tossing your variegated choices around like ping pong balls at a Communist Olympic Ping Pong training facility, the was kinda lame, lets forget that allusion [loosely acceptable word here, comparison may be better but doesnt sound as cool].
Everything for me became a question of whats worse, everything became a symbol of my own personal failing, all thoughts led to demise and I lost my mojo. Most amazing is the spiral effect that occurs, how quickly the half full glass goes to empty, and then to shards of glass from the cup lodged in my throat.
Thankfully, I was making these decisions with a yogi who loves me on one hand, and her family who loves me as well and is full of ridiculously intelligent people. Not a bad safety net for unraveling the snakes in ones head.
What made it difficult was projecting my thoughts onto what could have been had I only gone with the windsurfing guys to Baja Sur, or if I would have left in order to meet an acquaintance of a friend of mine and ride with said person, Ginger, you know who you are=]
A few things have to be looked at in the unraveling of my personal madness.
A. Looking at past or future events and seeing how they could go is an absolute exercise in futility for we know that the past is done, it happened, hence the name, yes, of course you may speak all day of alternate timelines and et cetera, and I would say to you, well, that may be, but for this particular timeline, the past is set.
Now, as to the future, this is almost as pointless a game to play with oneself, EXCEPT for the fact that if you can wrangle positive overall images of a future trajectory, that will help you better live in the present.
Of course, thinking negatively about the inadequacy of your ability to live life and ergo your doom regarding any future plan, will of course result in mediocrity at best and actual failure, fiery meteors from the sky and worse if not checked in time.
Whats my point with all this? The same that you have been hearing and reading from countless other sources. Let go of the best as best you can, picking up little bits of knowledge if you can see clearly enough and apply that to the future.
I’m now a happy camper, here till Christmas day and then off to my bike and beyond. I want to be riding or at least actively back on the ride come the New Year as I seem to be remembering or have read somewhere, that whatever it is you find yourself doing on the New year, that is an underlining flow for the rest of the year to come.
In other really important and earthshattering news, my laptop, which I traded for the Ipad that I won in a contest, now has its own personality and after only 3 weeks! hat of course is not a good thing really, but hey, it is what it is and after tomorrow may not matter anyhooo!