I remember the cold sensation of concrete in my fingers as I tried to hold on to the walls around me. Holding on or pushing I’m not sure, they seemed to be closing around me, trapping me, suffocating me. I couldn’t breathe as the instinctive reaction of escaping flooded my muscles, still I couldn’t move. “You’re shaking! Tiny pants?! What’s happening?” I hear Chris calling but I was far away putting everything I had in keeping my knees from giving in. What am I doing? What are we doing? This is not OK… What am I doing?
We had just reached Los Barriles, almost at the tip of the Baja. At some point, many miles before, I promised myself I would continue on the ride until I felt comfortable in my bike, at least comfortable enough. After that, I changed the deal, I would continue at least until Los Cabos. We were almost there but I was falling apart. Tendonitis on my left arm, confused, heart broken, exhausted, depleted… and for what? When Chris and I met it all made sense, both him and Pedaling for Peace seemed like the perfect piece in the puzzle, when did the practice became to very different from the theory?
At the same time it was to be expected, you don’t get to spend all day everyday with a person without facing some challenges, you don’t get to cross the desert during summer without pushing your limits… also, you don’t get to be intimate with someone without testing yourself. As if learning to ride by jumping head in to long distance touring wasn’t challenge enough, and in a project like this with no timeline, many ideals but no guarantees. Oh Diana, what have you gotten yourself into?… shaking as a leaf, crying like a little child, he hugged me, took me to the room and helped me pack to get in the road again. “Trust me in this, I know it doesn’t makes sense, I know everything inside you is telling you not to do it, but trust me. Right now just pack, let’s go, just trust me and do it.”
Sometimes I feel I’m still in that bathroom. I came to Ensenada not just to make wine but to recover… I am used to betting all in what I believe is right. I believe without hesitation that my heart will guide me even higher than my wildest dreams… but sometimes is not easy listening to the heart when the mind is spinning out of control.
Life is messy, everything is relative and figuring out each step of the way has been an adventure. More than a few times I decided to quit the ride. Or quit Chris. Or quit everything and start over. Process of transformation? What a revolution! In a personal level this whole thing has been too, jumping head first into uncertainty. Chris and I met and two weeks later we were living together. And not as in “he is riding and stays in my home for a while” living together, no, I mean living together as in moving in a new place, having our bed, cooking in our kitchen living together. In love, excited, hopeful… crazy. Having huge fogatas several times a week, creating salsas and cookies like mad wizards in the kitchen, growing plants, having good doses of panic attacks, the whole thing.
One thing is for sure, I’m getting to know myself a whole lot more. I keep growing, in constant change and have no idea where I’m going but somehow that’s OK. I don’t need to know the destination, or the path for that matter. Just the right now. And right now is time to get on the road again.