Where am i?

Slightly after 7am, sitting at a round table by a wall in the living room of my now ex-girlfreinds parents house, gloomy day, at least for now, but thats ok, I love gloomy days as much as sunny days, especially if I am getting back into writing again.

I havent written in a long while, well, thats not entirely true.  The advent of the iPad in my life has given me the option to write all the time, with the promise of including the electronic missives into this blog at a later time, usually this affords me just enough time to think about what I wrote and then decide its not good enough for inclusion and yet, maybe if i just tweak this or that, so, now, I have an ipad with all kinds of entries in a digital limbo of sorts, all kinds of would be and half entries from lone trumptes ringing out in the middle of the night while slipping under fences to go to a traditional steam tent, bon fire, hot rocks, forgot the name..

Of how I was just lighting a joint when we walked up on Dianas brother  during our very first meeting with the Wine Club in regard to our big event coming up and he was sobbing in the driver seat of thier mothers car…  he had found Blackie, thier dog, she was missing for a couple days, seemed she had been taken, the house has fairly serious fancing, anti zombie certified, so she didnt just run away, well, especially as she doesnt run, even if the gate is left open, she would instead do a cursory sniff around the land beyond the gate and then scuttle back quick enough.  She was in the center divider maybe half a block away from the house, her collar was gone, and I know from the few walks i have taken her on, it doesnt just slip off.  I had though about taking her for a walk, I never knew that i would never have the chance to do so again, I wonder how many other things happen in my life that I never even realize its my last chance…

She had a couple ticks crawling on her, we wrapped her in a sheet, blood was soaking out of her mouth, it must have happened semi recently….

I never got a chance to walk her again, instead I dug her grave.

I dig mine a little deeper every day, every time i forget lessons like this, every time i choose to complain, to whine, to bemoan…  Im dying and calling it life…

I nervous as hell for this big event we are having.  It started as a fundraiser for the Lagoon, we were going to give the lion share of money raised to WildCoast, they are having an event the day before, so we suggested they send a person as a representative to give a short talk, collect the funds raised and have a great day.  We got completely blown off, not only by them but by a few of the other local organizations.  Is it cause Im Gringo, maybe, I tend to lean in the direction of some basic principle at work as I have seen it, at least from my grassroots standpoint since I started this ride.  Non profits it seems do not like working together, which, makes since, they are run by humans and humans have a definite difficulty in cooperation.  Have you noticed this?

At any rate, our big day extravaganza is looking as though it may be nothing more than a going away party for the two of us complete with Bellydancers, capoeira demo, our freinds sons rock band, lots of food and wine, lessons in viniculture and lots of biking.  The initial ride is a 30k, with 20 of it being steady uphill, which is cool, we even get a police escort=]

We are to have a wine tour as well, but, love BUTS, they have so much meaning, for instance, they usually negate everything that precedes them in a sentence, thats another story for another day, But, we havent had a single person sign up for it, the only part fo the day that costs any money [380 pesos or 29 US dollars], which bums me out, but, what can i do…

So no fundraiser, now, party for us.  Maybe it will be better this way…  Still a bummer, my grandiose plans of saving the lagoon are vanishing in the haze….  You kow one of the plans being kicked around right now by the owners and the government is to drain the lagoon, fill in everything with oncrete and put some plants in planters, that way the tourists wont have to deal with the dirt, as that is the reason that tourists dont go there.  Of course it has nothing to do with the metric tonnes of broken glass strewn in every possible place, broken glass in the water, the dirt, the sand, if you run barefoot through the lagoon you will be reduced to a whimpering bleeding mess in minutes.  Navy Seals could train here.  if Aliens came to invade Ensenada and they only walked through that section of beach, they would be repelled.

You get the picture, not the type of place you want your kids to be running around…..  Dare I say it… M O R O N S.

Im stoked to be gearing up to leave.  It has been 7 months here, i have moved twice, surfed in water so cold that even with a wetsuit Im over it, never said i was die hard, gained and lost a rad girlfriend, who is still coming on the ride with me, what else, buried a family dog, have seen the family cat disappear, watched a new cat come, watched a kitten adopt the family from the streets, visited my family and introduced them to my now ex, realized that my sex drive may be waning, have rediscovered my martial arts practice, am now able to have a blackout with 4 bottles of beer, view marijuana as one of the most potent medicines ever and may have a psychological addiction to it, but thats ok as i dont watch tv… what?

I finally believe that truly good things will happen for the planet to the degree that i no longer find myself hoping for a Zombie Apocalypse to give me a readily defineable goal and purpose.  Looks like the powers that be, i.e., THEY, are  on the run so to speak, I dont kow if this will come to a culmination of global peace in my life time, gleaming spires of white in the distance, cities of learning and all that good stuff, seems like we are finally headed in the right direction.  Like I know what the right direction is, half the time I dont even know where I am anymore.

I no longer think I am crazy, which is nice, I do believe that I have flipped from being an extreme outgoing person to now I would much prefer to be alone, further, I would really rather just be planting vegetables all year round and surfing, walking barefoot and trying to split atoms with the power of my mind right up until the day i die.  I wouldnt mind if Diana was my next door neighbor.  I have truly never met a woman like her.  As far as the world being a mirror for who we are, I am happy to say that I am cured in the sense that i gravitate to women who have hard lessons for me to learn, now I see that I am in gods good graces and am just crazy in my own head when it comes to relationships.  That i could push this one away is a hard reflection to gaze upon.  All good things come to those who wait…  She is still coming on the ride which I am forever thankful for, at least now i can be a protector.  I like that role.  I hope she never needs or wants me to step into it.

All this to say what, Im feelin alright.  It would be nice to get the demons in my head out, the ones that make me hate myself and everything I do, that get me to tell myself that everything I do is wrong and that there is no purpose for what i am doing.  I guess I am still figuring out all this stuff.  What the ride means to me, what I want to achieve with it, more importantly, what I am actually able to achieve….  I thought it would be fairly easy to get all these smaller organizations to work together, apparently not, that unfortunately falls on my inability to be a good bridge of people/groups.

2 weeks to vamanos….

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